Sunday, September 28

Poetry for your self, and mine

Individuals, yet?

People can change, but they don't
or rather they won't, shan't
and in another rant - it's vain
or silly and rude, because
we must adapt or fade

Grow or destroy, prosper
in pain with promise and
sorrow - never hope, love, joy
without feeling a toy, raped
by all: the world, man, life

Give and take, but never
take without give, like you
As if you could try to change
I hope, wish, pray, anything
to reach, aspire, change, and

Finally become what we could
We tried together, but in our
own worlds, far apart, and
happy in trial and error, but
Always true and fun, even

When life's blue and dune
The world, life, and lord would
Give 'n give til it's gone 'n dried,
but we give so quick it's silly
and rude, but not uncommon
or lude. Maybe again, or not.

just some more old stuff...

Untitled (any ideas?)

Please let me have your stress,
pain, poison, passion, and all.

Give freely and take discretely
Enjoy all you can, why then
waste a moment in time
or a friend with wine

Things can and do and must
change always and again

You gave me a world
of possibilities 'n plan
and I drove and strove
then you blew it, but true

She had to, but why
could later be the
only way, at all
I wonder too
much, but
it's you

...Just some old lines I can't seem to get off my mind...kinda like Georgia.

Saturday, September 27


Well hell, no real results, yet. There are some more possibilities; which means a few more weeks as a guinea pig...hoping to feel better, if medications work. I have all the old symptoms, except now add, uh, explosive vomiting. I guess it's better than explosive diarrhea. But don't worry, these are just common side-effects of a new medicine.

It sounds like someone k.o.'d by George Foreman : Metaformin. But that one only scratches the surface...add the maximum amount of (calcium) antacid to counteract my favorite side effect. Then, don't forget brain fungus (whether it exists or not, the medication does)...That's singulair [montelukast sodium], doxycycline hyclate [antibiotic], meclizine hcl [antihistimine], and a nasal inhaler. But that's not all for today's medications, oh no. Now add Metamucil (though I'm just gonna throw it back up!), to help that high fiber diet. And for more shits and grins, add Wellbutrin [bupropion hydrochloride] - 'cause I must (and have!) quit (smoking) for good. Then, there's Pyrilamine Maleate, but just for this weekend. Also, I'm alternating (singular) with Clarinex [desloratadine]. Add the occasional Advil and/or Tylenol, and that might be all. But don't forget, that's twice a day, and the doses increase on a few, next week. Also, my diet is now: low salt, high fiber, low sugar, low protein, low carbohydrates. Oh, and the water, dear god, the water! Usually, I think they recommend eight, 8 oz. glasses per day (i.e. 64 oz.). Well, I double that for at least three medications. I'm not sure if I 'm making the 256 oz. per day, but I'm never without a glass of water (my house kinda looks like that movie, Signs ) or far from the bathroom (in any capacity). If I wasn't sick before, I certainly am now - yeah! : medications!

Oddly, some senses seem more attune, than usual. My sense of smell is better than it ever was, ever before I was a smoker. Yet, it only seems to be in tune with bad odors. My sense of touch is uber-sensitive; I feel nerves that I haven't felt since before I broke my arm (not to mention, the itchy-lost-limb-syndrome). My hearing is also sensitive; I can't listen to my thumpin' car stereo (which doesn't really matter 'cause I can't drive anyway). My sense of taste (preference) has returned to it's most finicky state; organic vegetarian - nothing else tastes quite right. My sight's just a little odd. It seems to be as good as ever (if not better), except for the inability to focus, or stare, without quickly loosing concentration. It's so frustrating; this could be hell. I can neither control my mind, or body. Guess I should be glad I've got such strong spiritual hold. I can't say what that is, but I have faith it's strong enough to hold me down. Sometimes, I think I'm just gonna drift away, but something tells me that it's not right, so I can come back. It's the scariest thing, almost as bad as a seizure; I'm too blurry to draw any such fine lines right now.

I don't know if the signs speak of Scully drifting in a pond, aliens, or what, but the answer's out there. I just have to find the right doctor; one who won't guess, but know. Perhaps there are men of science still out there, but I'll be damned if I can find 'em. And don't worry, for the sexist among you, female doctors have been no more helpful.

My dad's suggestion might have been the most interesting so far: give up all the other drugs, and go try some peyote. I'd still be puking, but perhaps I'd feel better.

Now, did I forget anything... saved a couple of cats out of a tree, got $ for the insurance from my car accident, and I've had more gas (yes, from both ends) this weeks, than perhaps my whole life, cumulatively.

ah..., adios!

Monday, September 22

Are we there yet?

It all comes down to Tuesday, tomorrow...

The results from my specialized Thyroid tests (anti-micromal antibodies and anti-thyroglobulin/thyroid peroxidase) should have arrived. If these tests give me an answer, maybe I can go back to school this semester. If not, more tests...

Without any relief (for over 2 weeks), I am still stunned at the inability of doctors to listen. Every time I see a doctor, I give them more symptoms. You'd think with such a long list, the diagnosis would be easier. (yet not!) I am at my wits end. I've done all the research I can - my head hurts to read. I think I know what's wrong, and I hope these tests finally prove it.

wish me luck - buena suerte!

For now, I'll remain dizzy, weak, nauseous, fatigued, confused, incapable of deep thought or memory, and miserable....And those are just my usual symptoms. Sometimes it gets worse, like with a ringing in my ears. No matter how still or quite I can be, my head and ears will not be still or quite. No fair!

If only I could drive, I'll feel so much better. Well, at least the poison ivy is almost gone; I'll be able to work in my yard again. Driving or gardening may not give me relief, but these are two things I enjoy most - without them life sux! They make me feel better than the doctors.

Saturday, September 20

the best new horror film, yet

House of a 1000 Corpses just keeps gettin' better, every time I see it!

Monday, September 15

See it, even if you don't like it

Once Upon a Time in Mexico...rules!


I guess it's about time I let everyone in on my sickness. It has overwhelmed my life. I don't think I'll finish school this semester, but more importantly I don't know about getting better. I've had about all the medicine, rest, and liquids I can stand, but my head still feels the same. I have distatste for everything I used to like (drinking, smoking, eating, etc.). I'm constantly confused, and easily distracted, and by nothing at all. I think I know what it feels like to lose your mind, I just hope I can get it back (soon!).

Of course, there are plenty more symptoms, but I won't bore you with that now. Rather, I'd like to say I also have Poison Ivy, again; now, it's on my face.

As if I needed anything else, I also had an erie car wreck. It was one day before the 1 year anniversary of my last wreck (9/5/03 - 9/6/02). The erie part is that it was the same spot on the car: front right bumper and lights. The estimate guys where blown away that I could guess such exact figures (a girl, and without a computer).

Anyway, what else...oh yeah, the non-seizure. Although I did blackout, I woke up to convulsions, so that's all it was: convulsions, not a seizure. I must argue this becuase although I was conscious, I did not feel like I was in my body at all, much less in control.

Because that's how I feel most of the time: not like myself. So, I better get back to decisions (about school) and research (on diseases).

ojala, buena suerte!