So, as usual it's been too long since I last saw TFM. It was well worth the 2 & 1/2 hour drive. As tired as I was from working all week, I couldn't help but dance. You know what really warms my heart every time I see TFM play... it's not just the passion Jeff Holmes belts out in every note or that smooth refreshing quality in Scott Evans back-up vocals or extra levels Andra Moran and Chris C0ttros mesh together or the power behind Steve Ebe (Animal - from the muppets as I like to think of him). It's the fans... and that everyone in the venue seem to know (just about) all the words to every song (except maybe a few of the new ones).
It always blows my mind at what a strong fan base TFM have... yet still they not enough to make TFM the (infamous) rock idols they deserve to be. That's one thing I (kinda) secretly hope that the Flapper Follies business can help do for them... I can't imagine a more perfect setting that a place that would offer 'house band' status to them (should they accept is another issue, of course). Flapper Follies is preparing to do a sneak preview night... perhaps on New Year's eve. I can't imagine anything more perfect than having TFM kick it off.
Sunday, June 18
Monday, January 9
I often worried if I was insane, it may even be my greatest fear... but at the very least it's always a skeptical thought in the back of my head. I guess my hope is that as long as I am aware of it I can stay away from it, right... that's the theory at least.
So, the very first night in the new house of course had me doubting my sanity yet again. I didn't have anything with me the first night here, no bed, no clothes, not even a toothbrush (don't worry I never leave home without mouthwash).
I laid down in the floor, on a blanket I found at the house, mainly just to relax from a long day of packing. It wasn't long before I heard it, at first I thought it was the neighbors and it was disheartening that it wasn't gonna be as quiet here as I had hoped. But I checked outside, that's not where the noise was coming from. So, back on the floor I laid, this time with my ear directly to the floor. There was without a doubt noises coming from the basement/garage. I went downstairs to check, but again, I found no source for the noise. So, back to the floor I go... to listen. The sounds kept up for over an hour... always the same even tone.
It sounded like a man singing, vaguely Irish, but I couldn't make out any of the lyrics. I heard it once or twice more in the next couple of weeks... always when I'm alone, at night, and the house is quiet. It doesn't sound sad at all, rather like the person is truely enjoying themselves, perhaps singing while they work, although I don't hear any noises that imply any work going on. Each time I try to listen closer, to understand the words, but no. It's never very loud, and once it starts there's no break in song until it finally stops. I wonder when there's time for a breath, but I don't guess ghosts have to breath... so it must make singing much easier.
Then, the noises started, all in/around the house, none in the basement (so far as I can tell). First I heard a few noises upstairs (in the add-on attic) and I assumed they were just my cats as they love to play up there. But after hearing the noises a few times, I decided to check on the cats and found them fast asleep on the mainfloor. So, I ignore the noises, like any sane person would, right... assuming of course, it's an old house, it's wood, it creaks, it settles, no big. The noises were of a banging sort though, not exactly creaky, but we can pretend. Then the noises moved to the mainfloor, or maybe not moved, just that I finally heard them there. First there were lil metallic clinky noises, then cracking footstep type noises. Always very faint and never lasting more than a moment... and always in another room. Far enough away that when I go to check to see what it is, it's done by the time I arrive.
And then last night... I was in the livingroom, with all the lights off, as usual, checking my email. My aunt had just sent pictures from my grandfather's funeral. A few pics into the series, the waterworks began. And a moment after that, the noise. It's right behind me, as if right next to my back. All my animals are in the room with me, none of which are moving... they're fast asleep around the room. It feels as if this cold wind sweeps down from the ceiling behind my back, almost touching me... but all I can say I feel is the wind, the wake of something moving quickly past. And that noise, I'll never forget that noise... because it's something I've heard in this house a few times before, but never could place it or follow it. It sounds like paper, if paper could fly of its own freewill and volition. I know that makes a lot of sense, but that's the only way I know to describe it. It felt/sounded as if a HUGE piece of paper flew down at me, whipped around and flew back up into the rafters. Of course it's too dark to see anything, movement or otherwise, not that I really wanted to. I did however get up, quickly, and turn on the lights, thinking perhaps there was a bat in the room, but not that I could see. I couldn't find anything out of place, muchless anything that could have made that noise.
But, it made me think... made me remember... the last time I'm sure I saw a ghost. It was the last time someone in my family died. [begin insane babble] I wonder is there some kind of connection? Is this my punishment for choosing never to go to funerals? Is there really some unseen connection between family? Is this house haunted, is that why I chose it or do the ghosts just come with me? Why does it only happen late at night, is there really something to the 'witching hour'? How do I ask the landlord if they've ever heard anything about the house being haunted before (without them thinking I'm crazy and kicking me out)? [end insane babble]
I'm really excited and a lil scared. If there is someone/thing here, I'd hope it makes contact... and that it's not malevolent. I really do love this house, I'd hate to move just because some ghost doesn't want me here. But I don't feel unwelcomed or threatened, yet... just a bit unnerved. Everyone wants an explanantion to the bumps that go on in the night, right. Especially when ignoring it doesn't make it go away.
Oh, and did I mention the drafts... there's two of them, both on the mainfloor, one in the new part of the house and one in the old. [this house is close to a hundred years old... the main part, but there's an addon that (I'm guessing) happened sometime in the 60's and thereafter] It's not all the time, and not even just at night, just sometimes I pass through the hallway and feel it. It's like a whirlwind, a mini tornado. I feel the air, colder than the rest of the house, circling me as I pass, often a bit disorientating... slowing my footsteps each time. I'm still blaming a drafty old house, but I can't help but feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise as I pass through it.
I will remain ever skeptical, but I have to admit my doubts are waning.
So, the very first night in the new house of course had me doubting my sanity yet again. I didn't have anything with me the first night here, no bed, no clothes, not even a toothbrush (don't worry I never leave home without mouthwash).
I laid down in the floor, on a blanket I found at the house, mainly just to relax from a long day of packing. It wasn't long before I heard it, at first I thought it was the neighbors and it was disheartening that it wasn't gonna be as quiet here as I had hoped. But I checked outside, that's not where the noise was coming from. So, back on the floor I laid, this time with my ear directly to the floor. There was without a doubt noises coming from the basement/garage. I went downstairs to check, but again, I found no source for the noise. So, back to the floor I go... to listen. The sounds kept up for over an hour... always the same even tone.
It sounded like a man singing, vaguely Irish, but I couldn't make out any of the lyrics. I heard it once or twice more in the next couple of weeks... always when I'm alone, at night, and the house is quiet. It doesn't sound sad at all, rather like the person is truely enjoying themselves, perhaps singing while they work, although I don't hear any noises that imply any work going on. Each time I try to listen closer, to understand the words, but no. It's never very loud, and once it starts there's no break in song until it finally stops. I wonder when there's time for a breath, but I don't guess ghosts have to breath... so it must make singing much easier.
Then, the noises started, all in/around the house, none in the basement (so far as I can tell). First I heard a few noises upstairs (in the add-on attic) and I assumed they were just my cats as they love to play up there. But after hearing the noises a few times, I decided to check on the cats and found them fast asleep on the mainfloor. So, I ignore the noises, like any sane person would, right... assuming of course, it's an old house, it's wood, it creaks, it settles, no big. The noises were of a banging sort though, not exactly creaky, but we can pretend. Then the noises moved to the mainfloor, or maybe not moved, just that I finally heard them there. First there were lil metallic clinky noises, then cracking footstep type noises. Always very faint and never lasting more than a moment... and always in another room. Far enough away that when I go to check to see what it is, it's done by the time I arrive.
And then last night... I was in the livingroom, with all the lights off, as usual, checking my email. My aunt had just sent pictures from my grandfather's funeral. A few pics into the series, the waterworks began. And a moment after that, the noise. It's right behind me, as if right next to my back. All my animals are in the room with me, none of which are moving... they're fast asleep around the room. It feels as if this cold wind sweeps down from the ceiling behind my back, almost touching me... but all I can say I feel is the wind, the wake of something moving quickly past. And that noise, I'll never forget that noise... because it's something I've heard in this house a few times before, but never could place it or follow it. It sounds like paper, if paper could fly of its own freewill and volition. I know that makes a lot of sense, but that's the only way I know to describe it. It felt/sounded as if a HUGE piece of paper flew down at me, whipped around and flew back up into the rafters. Of course it's too dark to see anything, movement or otherwise, not that I really wanted to. I did however get up, quickly, and turn on the lights, thinking perhaps there was a bat in the room, but not that I could see. I couldn't find anything out of place, muchless anything that could have made that noise.
But, it made me think... made me remember... the last time I'm sure I saw a ghost. It was the last time someone in my family died. [begin insane babble] I wonder is there some kind of connection? Is this my punishment for choosing never to go to funerals? Is there really some unseen connection between family? Is this house haunted, is that why I chose it or do the ghosts just come with me? Why does it only happen late at night, is there really something to the 'witching hour'? How do I ask the landlord if they've ever heard anything about the house being haunted before (without them thinking I'm crazy and kicking me out)? [end insane babble]
I'm really excited and a lil scared. If there is someone/thing here, I'd hope it makes contact... and that it's not malevolent. I really do love this house, I'd hate to move just because some ghost doesn't want me here. But I don't feel unwelcomed or threatened, yet... just a bit unnerved. Everyone wants an explanantion to the bumps that go on in the night, right. Especially when ignoring it doesn't make it go away.
Oh, and did I mention the drafts... there's two of them, both on the mainfloor, one in the new part of the house and one in the old. [this house is close to a hundred years old... the main part, but there's an addon that (I'm guessing) happened sometime in the 60's and thereafter] It's not all the time, and not even just at night, just sometimes I pass through the hallway and feel it. It's like a whirlwind, a mini tornado. I feel the air, colder than the rest of the house, circling me as I pass, often a bit disorientating... slowing my footsteps each time. I'm still blaming a drafty old house, but I can't help but feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise as I pass through it.
I will remain ever skeptical, but I have to admit my doubts are waning.
Sunday, November 27
more movings
I should update this site more, then you might actually think I have an interesting life.
Today tale: I've moved again. No, I didn't just repost, again... I moved another hour away from the old homestead.
It was odd traveling home for Thanksgiving this year, to my dad's... I've never driven so far before. I'm a full three hours away, and yes, it's too far for me, but at least it's not half a world away -- just a day's journey.
The new place is practically perfect in every way. It's an old log cabin on the edge of the city. It actually gives a good meaning to the term: quaint. I'm not sure if I or my aminals are more satisfied with it.
My first journey exploring the property found my fave ol friend, Poison Ivy. I'm covered in it, as usual. This is the fifth time, just this year. You would think I'd have developed an immunity to it by now... it's just not fair.
Half of my stuff is now unpacked, so I almost feel at home... but I'll continue to settle in nicely. It's way more space than I've had in a LONG time, so it's nice to spread out and even consider buying new furniture to fill it.
I apologize for the lack of updates on this site, but I do intend to catch up soon, very soon. If you've been paying close attention, you may have noticed a few minor changes... mostly additions. There must be a few dozen dead links here -- that's at the top of my list to sort and delete.
I haven't written any poetry in so long I'm beginning to think I have a permanent case of writer's block, but that's ok. I always write the best stuff when I'm low... and the fact that I can't write jack just reaffirms that I am in quite the opposite state at the moment.
The Flapper Follies business gets closer to existance everyday, it's so exciting. I think I am going to let the business take over my life for awhile... in other words, I'm not going back to school just yet. There's been talk of making a documentary film of the making of this business -- another item for which I am overjoyed. The forums attached to FF are still a bit slow to start, but steady enough. I don't expect that to get busy until the doors actually open.
Let's see, what else, what else... My mother is still insane, moreso than ever. My brother is enjoying his first semester at college and considering becoming an accountant. I haven't started my xmas shopping, nor do I plan to before xmas eve.
Today tale: I've moved again. No, I didn't just repost, again... I moved another hour away from the old homestead.
It was odd traveling home for Thanksgiving this year, to my dad's... I've never driven so far before. I'm a full three hours away, and yes, it's too far for me, but at least it's not half a world away -- just a day's journey.
The new place is practically perfect in every way. It's an old log cabin on the edge of the city. It actually gives a good meaning to the term: quaint. I'm not sure if I or my aminals are more satisfied with it.
My first journey exploring the property found my fave ol friend, Poison Ivy. I'm covered in it, as usual. This is the fifth time, just this year. You would think I'd have developed an immunity to it by now... it's just not fair.
Half of my stuff is now unpacked, so I almost feel at home... but I'll continue to settle in nicely. It's way more space than I've had in a LONG time, so it's nice to spread out and even consider buying new furniture to fill it.
I apologize for the lack of updates on this site, but I do intend to catch up soon, very soon. If you've been paying close attention, you may have noticed a few minor changes... mostly additions. There must be a few dozen dead links here -- that's at the top of my list to sort and delete.
I haven't written any poetry in so long I'm beginning to think I have a permanent case of writer's block, but that's ok. I always write the best stuff when I'm low... and the fact that I can't write jack just reaffirms that I am in quite the opposite state at the moment.
The Flapper Follies business gets closer to existance everyday, it's so exciting. I think I am going to let the business take over my life for awhile... in other words, I'm not going back to school just yet. There's been talk of making a documentary film of the making of this business -- another item for which I am overjoyed. The forums attached to FF are still a bit slow to start, but steady enough. I don't expect that to get busy until the doors actually open.
Let's see, what else, what else... My mother is still insane, moreso than ever. My brother is enjoying his first semester at college and considering becoming an accountant. I haven't started my xmas shopping, nor do I plan to before xmas eve.
Wednesday, July 13
Wednesday, March 2
obligatory post
I am alive. I am still sick. I'm online much less. I'm sure I have something interesting to say, but not right now. Thanks for reading, more later.
Monday, August 9
garagevandleball
You toss it 'til there's nothing left
til the pieces are too small
to find or to pick up
just like my heart
shattered, splintered, broken
too far gone to repair
so much damage,
there's no going back
and nothing to go back to
there's no pain, only rage
there's not grudges, only forgiveness
there's no way, only mistakes
I can't help it
I can't stop it
I have no control
I have no say
I play my part
but I'm sick to death of it
I want only the best
only the peace
only the happiness
only that which they deserve
I can't give anymore
There's none left to give
I try harder
but it only gets harder
I talk faster, louder, deeper
but it only does less
fades faster
destroys more
There's no answer
no solution
no reason, only pain
Suffering should be a choice
it's a past, time
it's a tradition
it's a function of time
it's the reason no one listens
it's the purpose I try
it's the failure I find
it's the thing I can't change
it's the problem I tried
long, long ago to solve
I couldn't then
I can't now
I never will
It's up to him, only him
never me, never me, and
never me, never changes
they didn't,
they couldn't
I shouldn't
I ask if he'll learn
I cry, I beg, I yell
but it's the same
I can't do for myself
can't save them
can't save me
can't change a god damn thing
crying only hurts
wastes time, water and salt
beggin only belittles
lowers, worries, and bothers
yelling only worsens
life, love, and liberty
There is no pursuit of happiness
There is no right to anything
There is no place for more
even less, one for (insert name here)
I gave first, I gave all
I gave more, now and then
I'm done, I'm empty
I'm fried, I'm wasted
I'm tired, I'm worn
I can't, so why do I try
I want, but I can't have
I shant, any more -- not less
til the pieces are too small
to find or to pick up
just like my heart
shattered, splintered, broken
too far gone to repair
so much damage,
there's no going back
and nothing to go back to
there's no pain, only rage
there's not grudges, only forgiveness
there's no way, only mistakes
I can't help it
I can't stop it
I have no control
I have no say
I play my part
but I'm sick to death of it
I want only the best
only the peace
only the happiness
only that which they deserve
I can't give anymore
There's none left to give
I try harder
but it only gets harder
I talk faster, louder, deeper
but it only does less
fades faster
destroys more
There's no answer
no solution
no reason, only pain
Suffering should be a choice
it's a past, time
it's a tradition
it's a function of time
it's the reason no one listens
it's the purpose I try
it's the failure I find
it's the thing I can't change
it's the problem I tried
long, long ago to solve
I couldn't then
I can't now
I never will
It's up to him, only him
never me, never me, and
never me, never changes
they didn't,
they couldn't
I shouldn't
I ask if he'll learn
I cry, I beg, I yell
but it's the same
I can't do for myself
can't save them
can't save me
can't change a god damn thing
crying only hurts
wastes time, water and salt
beggin only belittles
lowers, worries, and bothers
yelling only worsens
life, love, and liberty
There is no pursuit of happiness
There is no right to anything
There is no place for more
even less, one for (insert name here)
I gave first, I gave all
I gave more, now and then
I'm done, I'm empty
I'm fried, I'm wasted
I'm tired, I'm worn
I can't, so why do I try
I want, but I can't have
I shant, any more -- not less
Saturday, July 17
Saturday, July 3
Not Always, So Dreamy
I drempt not of you
but how to reach you
I thought not of you
but of other mistakes made
I tried to avoid you
but you're the end of the line
I wanted to see you
but you were already in my eyes
I saw both here and there
but also everywhere in between
I worried and wondered
but you smiled and stayed
I heard your voice inside
but also all around me
I felt a hug and some love
but I didn't know it
I cried until I laughed
but not with you
I lied until I hurt
but not with you
I died inside my heart
but not with you
I let some of it go
but not with you
I broke some of it down
but not with you
I forgot something, too
but not without you
I gave something to you
but not my heart
I willed something to you
but not my love
I sent something to you
but not my cares
I meant something to you
but not my words
I said something to you
but not my mind
I spelled something for you
but not your language
I wrote you a message
but not with my hand
I made you a letter
but not with my dress
I found you a way
but not on my own
I created our myth
but not on my own
I saw everything, there
but not in my eyes
I heard it all said before
but not from your mouth
I felt these things once
but not with only you
I was touched once
but not from anyone like you
I listened so very well
but not to only you
I sensed something, there
but not ever from you
I taste pleasure and pain
but not ever from you
I swallow ripe and ready
but not ever from you
I smell a true change
but not ever from you
You thought you knew me
but I knew you too
You saw right through me
but I sensed you too
You hugged me tight
but I grabbed you closer
You kissed me right
but I, even more, then
I try to move away
but it only pulls me closer
I look the other way
but it turns it all around
I want drive and run
but I must ride it slow
I want now and fast
but I must time it right
I want fury and fire
but I must ice and chill
I want this and that
but I must hold and reach
I want nothing and everything
but I must go and wait
I want before and thereafter
but I must give and take
I want forever and a day
butI must bide and waste
I want something and someone
but I must make and do
I need to stay and plan
but I will get up and go
I need to think and learn
but I will move-on and grow
I need to try and win
but I will play again
You can't have my mind
it's already spoken for
You can't have my soul
it's already said to suffer
You can't have my heart
it's already been given away
And I forgot how to find it
but not how to find you
I find you wet and rainy
but you're warm and dry
I find you loud and thunder
but you're soft and soothing
I find you thick and stormy
but you're easy and safe
I find you sunny and bright
but you're enlightening and night
I find you tranced and sweaty
but you're sleepy and clean
I find you arisen and alive
but you're in place and dynamic
I find you calm and electric
but you're refreshing and new
I feel you in the wind
I know you in the breeze
I miss you in the lack
I find you in the tickle
I think I'm ready
but I'm so very weak
I know I could
but it's so very scary
I believe, it will
but inside's so very cold
You make me so very high
I'm driven there at will
You make me so very free
I'm given the peace thrill
You make me so very drunk
I'm lost in the woods
You make me so very open
I'm found in the meadow
You make me so very sick
I'm walking on the brook
You make me so very sure
I'm talking through the air
You let me be so very
So, I let you be wary
(fyi...new stuff)
but how to reach you
I thought not of you
but of other mistakes made
I tried to avoid you
but you're the end of the line
I wanted to see you
but you were already in my eyes
I saw both here and there
but also everywhere in between
I worried and wondered
but you smiled and stayed
I heard your voice inside
but also all around me
I felt a hug and some love
but I didn't know it
I cried until I laughed
but not with you
I lied until I hurt
but not with you
I died inside my heart
but not with you
I let some of it go
but not with you
I broke some of it down
but not with you
I forgot something, too
but not without you
I gave something to you
but not my heart
I willed something to you
but not my love
I sent something to you
but not my cares
I meant something to you
but not my words
I said something to you
but not my mind
I spelled something for you
but not your language
I wrote you a message
but not with my hand
I made you a letter
but not with my dress
I found you a way
but not on my own
I created our myth
but not on my own
I saw everything, there
but not in my eyes
I heard it all said before
but not from your mouth
I felt these things once
but not with only you
I was touched once
but not from anyone like you
I listened so very well
but not to only you
I sensed something, there
but not ever from you
I taste pleasure and pain
but not ever from you
I swallow ripe and ready
but not ever from you
I smell a true change
but not ever from you
You thought you knew me
but I knew you too
You saw right through me
but I sensed you too
You hugged me tight
but I grabbed you closer
You kissed me right
but I, even more, then
I try to move away
but it only pulls me closer
I look the other way
but it turns it all around
I want drive and run
but I must ride it slow
I want now and fast
but I must time it right
I want fury and fire
but I must ice and chill
I want this and that
but I must hold and reach
I want nothing and everything
but I must go and wait
I want before and thereafter
but I must give and take
I want forever and a day
butI must bide and waste
I want something and someone
but I must make and do
I need to stay and plan
but I will get up and go
I need to think and learn
but I will move-on and grow
I need to try and win
but I will play again
You can't have my mind
it's already spoken for
You can't have my soul
it's already said to suffer
You can't have my heart
it's already been given away
And I forgot how to find it
but not how to find you
I find you wet and rainy
but you're warm and dry
I find you loud and thunder
but you're soft and soothing
I find you thick and stormy
but you're easy and safe
I find you sunny and bright
but you're enlightening and night
I find you tranced and sweaty
but you're sleepy and clean
I find you arisen and alive
but you're in place and dynamic
I find you calm and electric
but you're refreshing and new
I feel you in the wind
I know you in the breeze
I miss you in the lack
I find you in the tickle
I think I'm ready
but I'm so very weak
I know I could
but it's so very scary
I believe, it will
but inside's so very cold
You make me so very high
I'm driven there at will
You make me so very free
I'm given the peace thrill
You make me so very drunk
I'm lost in the woods
You make me so very open
I'm found in the meadow
You make me so very sick
I'm walking on the brook
You make me so very sure
I'm talking through the air
You let me be so very
So, I let you be wary
(fyi...new stuff)
Thursday, June 24
Saturday, June 19
Seeking
The quieting touch of another's heart,
The distant sound of snowflakes falling,
woodsmoke, scenting, filling the room
Knowing love is coming, soon...
Candle-glow, leaping serenely on the mantle,
singing, softly, sighing its life away,
flurries past the pane, warning
I ask for yet another morning...
I long of things I barely touch
so new, so fresh, so simply beautiful,
It might as well be across the sky
It's not free, nor am I...
A look, a glance, says more to me,
We read so much into such moments,
Than, perhaps, they return to us in kind,
But, then, who can ever know my mind...
Like a bird on wing, I rush,
Hoping for more than I think I can have
I cannot stop the wind, my friend
It was here before we were sent
...just some old stuff, I found crumpled up, in a book.
The distant sound of snowflakes falling,
woodsmoke, scenting, filling the room
Knowing love is coming, soon...
Candle-glow, leaping serenely on the mantle,
singing, softly, sighing its life away,
flurries past the pane, warning
I ask for yet another morning...
I long of things I barely touch
so new, so fresh, so simply beautiful,
It might as well be across the sky
It's not free, nor am I...
A look, a glance, says more to me,
We read so much into such moments,
Than, perhaps, they return to us in kind,
But, then, who can ever know my mind...
Like a bird on wing, I rush,
Hoping for more than I think I can have
I cannot stop the wind, my friend
It was here before we were sent
...just some old stuff, I found crumpled up, in a book.
Friday, June 18
another untitled
There's a place
so well hidden
so far away
yet so near
It's a safe place
A serene place
a place where
I need to go
It holds the key
The key I need
to find my way
but to get there
I must find a key
It's not a normal key
but a very special key
this key unlocks more
more than you could ever know
There are secrets
There are truths
and there are answers
Answers, truths, and secrets
that I need to know
want to know
it's not fair
that I can't go
If I find the key
will I find me
but I'm right here
I shouldn't need a key
so well hidden
so far away
yet so near
It's a safe place
A serene place
a place where
I need to go
It holds the key
The key I need
to find my way
but to get there
I must find a key
It's not a normal key
but a very special key
this key unlocks more
more than you could ever know
There are secrets
There are truths
and there are answers
Answers, truths, and secrets
that I need to know
want to know
it's not fair
that I can't go
If I find the key
will I find me
but I'm right here
I shouldn't need a key
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